Please Don't Give Me Jewelry

The multi-annual onslaught of jewelry ads has resumed in full force for what may be the biggest jewelry event of each year: Valentine's Day. According to every ad I read or hear, "every woman" likes jewels. Well, I"m a woman, but I don't like jewels. I have no attraction to gold, silver, or things that sparkle.

I fully respect other women's right to like jewelry, but I'd like to have my own choice respected. I'm tired of hearing men, and other women, on TV, in the magazines, on the radio, telling us all over and over what EVERY woman wants, as if I'm somehow not a woman, or that what I want from a relationship is overruled by what the majority of women may want.

At a party once, I was talking with two friends, one of whom had been in the jewelry business a long time. In retrospect, I know she was the wrong person to ask, but thinking we would have an intelligent discussion, I asked her what she thought was the attraction to jewelry. With a slightly annoyed tone, she replied "Wait until a man gives you jewelry. Then you'll understand."

Well, I'm not new to dating, so I have gotten jewelry from men before. I was given my first real jewelry many years ago when my first boyfriend gave me an opal ring and a matching necklace. Actually, I did think opals were nice.....to look at. But, like many things of beauty that I see, I don't have to wear them or own them to appreciate them. Every flower I see growing in the ground is beautiful, as is the ocean, but I don't want to take any of that home. My inner silent reaction toward the opal ring and necklace was a mixture of wonder at the beauty in nature, and disappointment over knowing I'd be expected to wear it. I managed, I think, to hide that disappointment. And I did appreciate getting a gift.

My then-boyfriend and I ran, swam laps, hiked in the mountains, skiied, and rode hundreds of miles together on our bicycles. He knew I loved all that, and told everyone that he was thrilled to have found a woman with whom he could do those things. When and where was I going to wear delicate opals?

I will give him credit. Before the jewelry, on my birthday a few months earlier, I came home from work one evening and saw him in the garage. Walking through the garage into the house, I noticed a brand new mountain bike sitting in the garage. Thinking it was his, I walked past it, but he stopped me. The bike was for me! What a thing of beauty it was, AND I could actually DO something fun with it!!

It was several years before I dated the next man who gave me expensive jewelry. By this time, I had gotten enough unwanted jewelry that I learned to tell men fairly early on not to give me jewelry. It was an art to figure out how to ease it into the conversation without sounding presumptuous. I imagine that, for some men, it's like hearing a woman say, "by the way, I don't ever want you to show that you like me." Well, of course, I want a man to show he likes me (unless he doesn't), but jewelry doesn't indicate that to me. It shows me that he is aware of a formula that is supposed to work. He knows what society has told him women want, so he doesn't think he needs to listen to me tell him what I want. So, I decided that anytime I saw an ad for jewelry, which isn't hard to find, I'd turn it into cultural commentary on advertising, and mention to the man I'm dating how disappointed I was when I was given jewelry in the past.

So, when this guy I'd dated for only four months bought a diamond necklace and earrings for me at Christmas, I was stunned. I had already gone though the ad commentary with him, and mentioned my disappointment in getting jewelry previously. So, why was he giving me this?, I wondered. It was not only jewelry, but it wasn't my style. This time, I struggled with my disappointment. I had TOLD him, I thought, so it was sort of slap in the face. Was he that poor of a listener? I decided not to make an issue of it, and wore it, pseudo-proudly, when he and I went to a holiday party a week later.

I know someone reading this is furiously pounding her (or his) desk right now, yelling at me that "it's the thought that counts!" Or maybe "you just don't know how to appreciate gifts from a man; you don't deserve them!"

I refer you to my above words. I agree; it IS the thought the counts. But, when a man does something for me that OTHER women in his past, or on TV, wanted, then he ISN'T thinking. Or, at least, he isn't thinking about ME. And am I not the one who's wants are supposed to matter to him?

I'm neither cruel nor vicious. I have accepted every gift from every man graciously, whether I wanted it or not. But if it isn't what I want, and he has heard me say it, I mark it as a red flag. And, in my experience, that has served me well.

About three months after getting the diamond earrings and necklace, I broke up with that guy, but it was not about the jewelry at all. I had come to recognize that he was trying to force me to become someone else. Like many couples, we were dating each other, but each wanted someone else....not someone in particular, but just someone other than us. He refused to do activities I liked, so I went alone. So, we did the two activities he liked (drinking wine and making dinner), never wavering from his regimen, except, of course, for physical intimacy. He wasn't happy with who I was, and he was doing everything he could to "mold" me into someone else. Rather than pretend to be that person to please him, or try to change him to please me, I finally told him I thought we should date others.

I was surprised to see tears flowing down the face of a man who I knew had never really wanted me anyway. But, his sad reaction was made more odd by the fact that I had told him many times before that I believe no one should ever date just one person at a time. Being with only one is called marriage. Doing that while dating makes people do what we ended up doing: relying too much on that one person to fulfill our expectations. Baffled at his tears, I asked whether he remembered me saying that. His response was: "Yes, I remember. I just didn't think you meant it."

Ditto for the jewelry. He didn't think I meant it when I said I don't want jewelry. I.E., he chose not to see the aspects of me that he didn't want to be true.....and there were many.

Later, I offered to give him back the necklace and earrings, but he said I should keep them. I went from jeweler to jeweler, trying to find someone who would buy them. I had gone to the store where he bought the set (I still had the box it came in) and found it, so I knew how much it cost him. The quotes I got for it were absurdly low, so I eventually chose to put it on consignment. The consignment store owners were disorganized. They priced it at half the original value, and threw away the box it came in, displaying it in a heap on a glass shelf among other jewelry where it was barely visible. Later, when I went to pick up my check for it, they told me it had not sold within 30 days, so they marked it down to half price, of which they gave me only half.

The money I got was barely worth the trouble.

I don't HATE jewelry. In fact, I have some, mostly from old boyfriends, but I have two inexpensive necklaces I bought myself, and some costume jewelry bracelets and rings my mom gave me from her extensive collection of jewelry (she has jewelry in drawers and jewelry boxes all over their house). I tend to view jewelry, however, as something I prefer to buy for myself, like clothes. I have a style, and a pinkish pale skin tone that doesn't match well with light colored jewelry like gold or silver or diamonds. And, as I've said, sparkly doesn't attract me; it seems very little girlish. I prefer black stones, jade, and muted tones. But, even the jewelry I do have, I forget to wear, or just don't have time to put it on. I can be a hassle to wear. It takes time to coordinate jewelry when getting dressed. Then it gets in the way during the course of a day or evening, getting caught in things, or making distracting jangling noises. Earrings make my ears turn red, and rings tend to rotate around, so the stone ends up in the palm side of my hand, unless I twist it back to the top constantly.

Okay, so hopefully I've convinced some man out there that I really mean it when I say I don't want it as a gift.

And hopefully the next time a woman tells a man she doesn't want jewelry, he will listen. And get her something SHE wants.